In This House We Never Give Up...

we persisted ...

This week was a good week. Not a great or perfect week just a good one and I am grateful for that. there has been a lot of emotions these last weeks. Anger, worry, fear, understanding and finally acceptance. Our life and no one else's will ever be perfect and I for one Love our life. I love our son and I wouldn't change a thing even on the worst days.

Held my hand through the whole movie

Thankful

Then there were two....

I haven't written much because there hasn't been much to write. Until yesterday. Yesterday is what I am hopping is a turning point for us. Yesterday we went an entire day with out a melt down! Jack was even able to ride the bus home. We are so caught up in yesterdays success that it carried over to today. That's right TWO! great days in a row. We couldn't be happier or prouder of his progress.
 I plan to write a post about our recent IEP ( independent education plan) meeting soon just still processing all that happened.

      today I feel this in my soul. It's hard being stuck between please treat him like any other six year old boy and but he isn't any other six year old boy. He's Jack. He's my boy and I'm just trying to do what's best for him.

Sigh....

I must have spoke too soon or thought too loud. Just as I started to settle out of the unknown and think that we were going to have a good day the school called. They asked me to come get Jack because he was having a meltdown again today and they could not calm him. I don't have the words to express how frustrating this is, how is it so hard to care for six year old little boy when it is literally your job and my automatic reaction is to be angry to be frustrated to be hurt to the point of Tears. Then I stopped and I remember I can't always calm him either and so how can I be mad at them when I can't give them the tools they need, when I don't have the tools I need when some days are just going to be bad no matter how much we did right. Today there was no winner. Jack came home early, I cried, teachers are frustrated and staff doesn't know what to do. I know that I'm learning with him. I know that this is new but today I can't help feeling like we failed. school starting August 8th and I can count on one hand the days I haven't gotten a phone call or a note with fingers to spare. Something has to change

The Unknown .....

There is this time period in my day/night we refer to as the Unknown. It's the time after Jack is home, after diner, after night time stories are read and kisses are had. The time before good mornings, before breakfast and first bell. The time before we know if Jack has an Aid for the day or not. This worry comes daily takes a break in the evening and returns each night. While Jack having and Aid doesn't guarantee us a great non melt down had day. It does increase our chances a lot. I will be much more relaxed once a permanent Aid has been found once a routine has been formed. Today we have an Aid today we're lucky.

So far....

So far all my posts have been calm and orderly in an attempt to remain positive. That may have been  misleading. I assure you I am anything but calm. I am a walking time bomb of anxiety. I am as unsure as a caged animal new to release who isn't sure which way to run first. I am very good at hiding my anxiety the years of practice I am sure are to blame. Today my anxiety shows like a shining sun ready to explode, today there is no hiding.

    Today Jacks one-on-one aid left. She's the third to do so since school started on the 8th of August.
That's 4 weeks of school and he's gone through 3 aids. I am sick. Sick with that feeling of worry in my throat sick with the anxiety that will be finding the next person to trust with my son sick that I won't know if  this person is going to stay sick that what if they do but aren't what he needs. These are the things I think about, This is what keeps me up at night.

Even on good days we have our doubts...

 I started this blog on a horrible day. I started it because I thought an outlet would be helpful. I thought my walls and landlord would be grateful for the lack of holes.I thought there might be other people who could and can relate to how utterly frustrating and alternately wonderful this life can be. I would like to make it perfectly clear I have ZERO clue what the hell I'm doing. I am not a parenting expert. What I know about autism I've learned from sleepless nights and google. From trial and much error. I do not nor will I ever claim to be the know all end all of this world. I am learning, failing and succeeding.
     On the other hand I know with out a doubt that I am everything Jack needs. I know better than anyone else how to calm  him, keep him safe, help him grow and unconditionally love him. I know when to fight for him and when to let him fight his own battles I know when I need to mama bear rage up and put the fear into people who think they can mess with my sweet boy. This "job" comes with a lot of uncertainty but the one thing I know for sure is there is no one better for it than me.

Jack had a much better day, today was filled with praise like "what an amazing day you had!" and "Jack you did great!" What we should probably tell him more is that he always has a great day. He is always amazing. 

He doesn't look ...

Jack

Today was a bad day. The worst so far in a series of what I am sure will be many to come. Today was not a normal day for us. Normally a normal day includes no face punching TV kicking meltdowns. I am scared that this is our new normal. Jack just turned six and just over a month ago was diagnosed with Autism. This didn't come as a shock. We often hear the phrase "OH! he doesn't look autistic." What exactly does autism look like? My son isn't a hand flapping non speaking uncontrollable child so according to others we're so lucky. They aren't wrong. They aren't right either. Autism is hard, so hard no matter what end of the spectrum you're looking at it from. Today we had a bad day , but we don't have a bad life.